Do You Soften Your Point and Lose Impact?

Let’s start with an illustration. An associate is on a call… it’s a client call and advice is being given which comes from a place of knowledge and experience. So far, so good. The client listens, takes everything on board and has trust in what is being said. Still good. Then the associate wraps up the conversation with the fateful words, “If you want you can check this out with (and then names the partner).”

In that one moment, a small cloud of doubt appears. The confidence the client was feeling is undermined. Suddenly the associate, often with a good number of PQE years behind them, isn’t quite as credible as they were just a minute ago. The client is wondering if perhaps they are lacking in knowledge, experience, confidence?

The British, to generalise, are particularly good (or bad) at sprinkling language with words and phrases which have a grounding in the need to be polite. It’s a cultural thing. It can lead to much confusion especially with more direct cultures such as the Scandinavians.

To an extent, aside from psychopaths and sociopaths, most of us operate some kind of self-monitoring, reflecting an innate need to be liked. However, national traits aside, in workplace culture this propensity to soften the blow is something to be wary of. For anyone with a decent grasp on what they do, backed up by many years of experience, owning your credibility is important.

For many, it is simply habitual. Perhaps it began as a defensive mechanism back in the early days of being in the workplace. A good example of this can be seen in email text patterns such as ‘I’m just emailing to ask…’. Does that sound familiar? Or how about ‘could we (just) have a quick catch up?’. Other usual suspects are ‘just checking in’ and ‘hope that makes sense’ (in fact any phrase that uses hope or hopefully).

There is a logic behind using these phrases – not wanting the recipient to open the email and think we are being rude, but it is probably flawed and comes from a place of over thinking. Other words/phrases that carry a similar sense of potentially detrimental softness are a bit, only, thought I would. Take a page from your WhatsApp conversations: Just (different context!) say it how it is.

Switching to verbal interactions, there is a time and place for asking permission and if you’re a well established member of the team, in a meeting scenario, be aware that this is not the time to be rolling out phrases such as “sorry (…can I add something?/could I just say?/have you considered?)”. By asking permission, however subtly, you are hinting that your presence is an inferior one. The same goes for transmitting a sense of doubt. If you frame a query in the language of “it might sound like a silly question, but…” or “correct me if I’m wrong…” you are undermining your position unless, of course, you wish to be deliberately sarcastic!

We see it as politeness or modesty but rarely consider that it could be interpreted as weakness or a lack of credibility on the other side.

So, if this chimes with you, my recommendation is to pick out those phrases which you know you are guilty of using and simply make a conscious effort to drop them. This is far easier to do in relation to emails which are not ‘live’ conversations.

It’s harder in speech, but a good exercise is to turn up the volume on your awareness of how other people perceive you and what they need from you. Listen out for it.  Additionally, I recommend that you develop a mantra that acknowledges the power of your position. If we dwell on the things we say, self-doubt inevitably creeps in.