A Pocket Guide for Summer Party Small Talk

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Love them or loathe them, summer parties are part of the annual calendar of professional and social activities… and attendance is usually required at all levels. For some these will be a calendar highlight and for others these will be anxiety-inducing hours of excruciating awkwardness.

I am frequently asked for tips about how to navigate these calendar dates – particularly in regard to how to do the party small talk.   For those who are simply counting the days until the first roof terraced Summer Cocktails invitation pops up in your inbox you need read no further, but for those who are nursing even the tiniest sense of dread, read on.

Let’s start with the simplest advice for one of these events, which is to go with the flow. Parties are a bit like wild swimming in English waters – there are inevitably a few moments of discomfort, but once you’re in the experience can be refreshing!

In no particular order I will tackle the most common questions I am asked:

  • ‘Who will I talk to?’: The answer to this is anyone who is there and looking like they’d welcome some company. The more predatory members of the party crowd will be making a beeline for the power players in the room. However, the power players have seen it all before and will see through contrived engagements, so don’t be tempted to follow this course. In my experience, it’s often random ‘genuine’ conversations which are the most rewarding.
  • ‘What should I talk about?’ (part 1): Breaking the ice is never fun but, just as reaching waist level in a cold British lake, it gets easier after that. Besides, awkward openings are soon forgotten.A recent study found that 80% of British people would like to be better at small talk. It also estimated that on average those small talks last for about seven minutes before drying up. The key is really to be observant and that means taking care to listen, observe and look for opportunities to join the dots.  It’s ok to talk about topics that we perceive as dull – the weather often falls into this category but it is far from dull as it affects all of us every day.First contact is all about establishing a rapport. We can quickly do this with rhetorical conversational prompts such as comments on the now – the venue, hospitality, surroundings etc. The secret is to read what it is that the other person has a connection with and use it to prise open the conversation.
  • ‘What should I talk about?’ (part 2): Once rapport has been established you can expand the conversation to topics which carry more depth – leisure activities, work, travel and topical events. If you have connection and the small talk is going well then these routes will give you plenty of conversation fodder.  Once again, relax and listen to what people say and ask follow up questions based on what they have just said.
  • ‘What if we have nothing in common?’ Let me give you an example. I am not a football fan in the slightest and dread the moment when a taxi driver in another part of the world engages in conversation, discovers that I am British and asks me all about my favourite team and player. My learnt response is to say that I support my local team who aren’t in any particular league and I can invent players’ names in the full knowledge I will not be questioned.  This generally does the trick in that the driver isn’t disappointed that their fare is not a football fan and their passenger can quickly turn the questions back to the driver who generally likes a good monologue about the state of something or other football-related.  Turn the focus on your interlocutor and get them talking about their interest even if you don’t share the enthusiasm.
  • What shouldn’t I talk about?: Don’t gossip about co-workers or bosses. Any more than a slightly arched eyebrow may be taken down and used against you in the future. Keeping away from topics of controversy is also plain common sense (politics, religion and topics framed by polarised opinion).
  •  How long should I talk for?: This is a good question and again goes back to watching and listening to what your other conversationalist is doing. If you are the talker, just make a mental check that, if you are in the ‘more depth’ stage, you are not outstaying your welcome. Cues that you are boring someone will come through in their body language – glances away, yes and no answers and continual (but emotionless) nodding to agree with you are top signs.
  • How to wrap up a conversation?: Conversation, like champagne, will eventually lose its fizz, and the trick is to know when it’s time. The parting should always be courteous and a good device to use is “it’s been great talking with you and / I don’t want to take up any more of your time / is there anyone I can introduce you to / is there anyone you can introduce me to” and so on.  Be polite, interested and offer to keep in touch if appropriate.

One final tip – I subscribe to a daily newsletter called The Knowledge.  Every day there is something fascinating (beyond the political round up) that can be used as a conversation starter – today, for example, I learned that a man who died last week in the US was the grandson of a man born in 1790 and was the 10th President.  There’s a topic to start something and it makes you appear to be fascinating!